a letter

Dear Mr Brody,
First I would like to apologise for my last letter and subsequent outburst, both of which were ill-timed. I am pleased that you are taking this project seriously. Most of the time, I am not contacted by actors intent on portraying me and my life story. At least not since "Uncle Walt" lied to me and made me a laughing stock.

So any way, I just wanted to say congrats on your being cast as me and good luck with the movie.

If you were still interested in the real me, here are a few things to note. For starters, remember that I was brought to life after Gepetto made me for one purpose: HIS happiness. My feelings were never taken into account. Sure, Gepetto was a great guy and at was sad that he was old and lonely, but still i want to be clear on that point. Another issue that accompanies a "birth" like mine is paperwork. I had a hell of a time getting a driver's license because I had no birth certificate and further, coming into the world already aged six years, I would look like I was 17 at my 11th birthday. So, imagaine having to deal with that.

And onther thing, I can't find a razor that will last as long as a snow cone on a hot day. See, when "Blue Faery" made me a "Real Boy" she did kind of a half-ass job. I dont have complete human DNA. ANy idea how hard it is to shave when you're half Italian and half Douglas Fir? Pretty hard.

You know, many other facts were changed for "Uncle Walt's" film version of my life. I signed a bad contract hoping for a scene with Annette. I should have tipped my lawyer I guess.

Well good luck with the movie

yours truly,
Pinnochio

Stray Thoughts

A few items for contemplation:
Why does "Sour Cream" go bad?

If my pal "Nathan not Nate" was to choose one of the team names I suggested, would it be "The Vegan from Muskegon," "Soda-Cracker Junction," or "Ponce de Lion?"

At what point does being patient become being oblivious, or does it go right to being lazy?

Does Flight of the Conchords take place in the world I live in?

Why don't people say "Crackle, Pop," after saying "Snap?"

Why don't they have automatic electronic plungers?

If someone touches a calculator button in the dark, does it add up?

Will the ASPCA commission Elton John to perform a special version of Who Let the Dogs Out in the wake of the Michael Vick scandal?

Do "scandal" and "sandal" have the same route word?

Is the Senator Craig scandal a "wag-the-dog" type ploy to remove media attention from
A) Resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
B) The War
C) Lindsay Lohan's Rehab exploits
D) Miss Teen South Carolina's brilliantude and such as U.S Americans

business time

Sometimes, its just business time

Italian Dinner

What do you call a whole bunch of dark haired people eating a four foot sub, and two twenty-four-slice deep dish pizzas at about two in the afternoon? Around here, you just call it, dinner with family. Today we celebrate what would have been my Grandpa's 90th birthday. THis year no cake and no birthday boy. But we have everything else in spades.

The kids (everyone my age and under) get together, watch the tube and laugh, as we should. We give eachother a hard time, as we should. We sit and discuss the Tigers and the Lions, as we should. We lament the recent performance of Brandon Inge, we condemn the continued reign of Matt Millan and we trade tips on fantasy football.

We discuss work and future plans and recomend various movies and youtubes to eachother. And far less frequently than before, we pause and remenisce and pause again. Just before eating we pray together and Grandma speaks directly to my late Grandpa, addressing him as she always would infront of everyone else, never by his first name. "Dad, we miss you," she says after everyones "amen" and leaves it at that. And that is as it should be. Without a doubt we miss him. He is not there to blow out the candles, to comment on the Tigers and to take eveyones picture. There is an empty spot on the mantle where he would set down his camera. He was always documtning familial gatherings, and now we have a lot to look at. But for today, here's looking at you, kid.

Fractured Flick

So last night we watched the DVD of Fractured with Sir Anthony "Big Tony" Hopkins and Ryan "Goosey" Gosling and, well, I had bigger expectations. Sure, there were plenty of fine elements that went into this picture. Both lead actors are gifted and hardworking. Hopkins needs only to look in the general direction of the camera to inspire whatever emotion he feels like and gosling has a unique ability to be the every-man and the rebel simultaneously, like James dean channeling Henry Fonda. But enough fawning. Several issues arose through the course of the film that deserve brief illumination. For starters, Hopkins and director Gregory Hoblit (Frequency and Primal Fear) should have decided early on just exactly what accent to give Hopkins' character Ted Crawford. At various times he is English London, English northern, Irish and American. not only is this distracting but it is indicative of the larger inconsistencies. neither character is ever really fleshed out. No one becomes bigger than life. Several peripheral character make great insightful observations about the theoretical motivations of our two leads but that is about it for development. WE don't get enough interplay and sparring between the two leads. They verbally slap at each other a few times and then go their separate ways to lick their wounds, never really getting at anything important. The several confrontations just fall flat. when bruised the Gosling character goes away to mope and the Hopkins character throws a shot-lived temper-tantrum, both of which feel empty and cheap.
Another issue, at least for me, is that the "legal thriller" aspect was fairly amateur. I am no lawyer, but I would be a unstoppable attorney in the world of Law and Order. This is not due to any brilliance on my part but to a simplistic understanding of formula and rhythm. Relying only on flawed understanding of law theory and the ability to recognise character actors, I can tell you at twenty minutes who the real killer is, and how Jack McCoy is going to convict him. I can even fairly accurately tell how the defense is going to supress certain damning evidence. I had no trouble pulling the same stunt watching Fracture. But this did not have the same effect as figuring out a good mystery a few mments before a hero detective. Instead it made the whole thing predictable.
Had this been a television drama, or movie with lesser talents, I would have been pleased, but these guys should be held to a higher standard.

Un-Droughtiness

Some thoughts on the rain. It's 8:25 am, the wind picks up from the west, its really coming down now. And here's me: unbuttoned beige trench coat flapping, shoulders hunched against the harsh, mid-sixty degrees chill, classic black umbrella with shinny point aimed at the heavens and curved wooden handle tucked to my side. I look like someone’s sloppy great uncle from jolly old England. Awesome: a man ready to battle clientele and the elements simultaneously.

It strikes me that during rain storms it may be more preferable to be a cat than a dog. whether they like it or not, Indy and Dela have little choice but to go brave the elements. Whereas their friend Monty can remain indoors, conducting business in his own warm, dry sanctuary, quietly brooding and concocting new outrages. Indy and Dela must be wiped off as they re-enter the shelter of home, whilst Monty chooses when and by whom he may be touched. On the other hand, I think I prefer wiping 8 feet to cleaning the cavernous litter box of despair.

The History of Tonka Trucks

Look, I like watching large machines move large quantities of large stuff as much as the next guy (provided that the next guy isn't really into the smell or sound of diesel). I would rather watch documentary type programming revolving around the course of human events- ya know- history. I find old footage, artifacts, sweeping vistas, Ken Burns-esque pans across old photographs and the casual, occasionally dry banter of academics.
I like history and when I turn on the History Channel as I turn in for the night, I prefer to be lulled into profound dreams by the sound and glow of days of yore.
So since the History Channel abandoned knights, generals, kings, presidents, wars, constitutional conventions, etc. in favor of Tonka Trucks and Erector Sets, I have had to search far a wide for the mild intellectual fare that I would prefer. Now, don't get me wrong, machinery has an important place in history, but only in a historical context: "We developed the Jeep to kick Nazi ass," or "This 19th century railroad technology affected the course of the history of Butte, Montana." That's fine. In fact I really enjoyed Modern Marvels when it delved into the history of technology, before it became a video catalog of the Cat bulldozer and earth moving company. The James Burke Connections series showed technological advances and how they shaped the growing knowledge of past societies. Sure it mentioned the current uses of such innovations to draw conclusions, but it focused on the freakin' history.
There is a time and a place for the diesel belching reality shows. But when I feel like witching "big machine break big rock into several still big rocks and other big machine move big rocks to still other big machine," I am fully capable of surfing 3 channels over to the Mike Rowe / Mythbusters channel all by myself. That's what they are there for, History Channel. I am sure that the fact that Alex has hauled 265 tons of crap over some lakes will have some bearing on the course of western civilization, but I would rather see some actual history

Angry Political Gobbledy-Gook

OK so sorry to bring down the mood but today I got this email from someone that I respect, admire and love. The email was one of these politically derisive "join the dark-side" forwards (see below). It caused me some fairly serious gastric issues and promted me to respond. But here is the thing: I know that writing back and addressing the errors of some other dude's crap would do nothing but cause personal strife. Responding to a forward is just not a good move. I think my decision to "Save Draft" and not to "Send" shows at least a little maturity. But I still feel obligated to voice my outrage. SO here is the forward and my intended response:

You Ain't Gonna Like Losing! "A MUST READ":

President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq. Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.
Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders,so it was the people's duty to back those leaders.Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not -- or whether the war was going badly or not. And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today.Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war. Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.Men who were too old or medically 4-F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And abunch even enlisted.And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a pledge of allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops!Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies. A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being "tortured" by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crackheads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets. No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve. It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the land of Oz. We even have the wicked witch of the west as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives. We did unite for a short while after 9/11, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices. We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause. . . Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits. We either win it - or lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing.

MY RESPONSE:

Sorry, [NAME WITHHELD], but this is ignorant drivel. This is the worst sort of revisionist history and it is insulting to all Americans.

Before we discuss and refute the historic flaws herein, let us consider the implications of the argument being true. It means the president has no idea what is going on outside his windows. If he is able to so easily misjudge the people he leads, the people that elected him, then i ask what business he has leading. Don't Americans deserve a leader with a firm grip on reality? Should you not expect your leaders to consider the viewpoints of their constituents or at least acknowledge the validity therein?

SO in short, if this has any basis, it proves the ineptitude of the leadership. As to the historic lies, let us begin with the Great Depression. How did Americans support the leaders that ignored the realities of the situation? How does America feel about Hoover even today? Further I must add that America was reluctant to get involved in the war. Did we jump in at the invasion of Poland, or Russia, or France? No. No one wanted war. No one, especially no leader sought reasons to fight. And remember that throughout the war, Americans needed reminders of "Why We Fight." As to American blind support, two points: First, the leadership was willing to take responsibility. Remember that Ike said if D-Day was a failure the responsibility was his and his alone. Where is the leadership's embrace of responsibility today? Secondly, blunders WERE in fact met with disdain. How did America react to Operation Market Garden or to Patton slapping that kid around?

Now, we are not merely living in a post WWII world but in a post Korea, post Viet Nam world. Many of us should have known better. Like WWII generals, we should have done everything possible to prepare for the invasion. Remember that D-day was years after Pearl Harbor. Those planning the war did their best to insure victory by looking beyond the horizon toward an end to fighting. Mistakes were made and men died for them, but perhaps they had reason to trust their leaders.

Propaganda like the email to which I am responding is short sighted, partisan and inflammatory, intent on dividing an already wounded country. If you don't believe that I have the right to extrapolate on the intent of the author, then ask yourself why that author has the right to extrapolate on the intent of so many others: Americans with different view points, Muslims, pacifists, etc.

The "You ain't gonna like losing" email and the actions of the administration share the same flaws. In each case, vast amounts of historic, factual and contextual evidence have been ignored leaving only the evidence and assumptions supporting a specific, intended conclusion. In reality, the full picture is far bigger and more complex and open to other conclusions.

We should all have known better. Let's hope for something better. We deserve better.

Pray for PEACE,

My sister's peaves

Today i will not focus on the myriad of things in my immediate world that upset me. Instead, we shall discuss one of the things that causes my sister, Jojo, emotional and abdominal distress. That thing which above all else most taxes my sister's delicate sensibilities is, to give it a name, "Cold Lean." That is, of course, not the real name of the problem but I wish to be tactful.


You see, "Cold Lean" was, once a co-worker of my sister. Some time ago "Cold Lean" moved on to greener pastures and went to work for one of Macomb County's many Turf Barons. That makes "Cold Lean" a customer and still frequents Jojo's office. And herein lies the rub. "Cold Lean" ends up in the office quite often, occasionally several times a week, and to Jojo's horror, "Cold Lean" is greeted with warmest tones, loving embraces and genuine curiosity about how she has been. Mind you she was just in last Friday. Further, I must add that no one could really stomach that much of the lady whilst she was a co worker. Well now, you may be asking, isn't fawning over clients just part of the game? Well, it probably should be, but as a rule...no.

So that is how Jojo was feeling earlier. Mrs. honeyface and I just watched and mostly enjoyed Vacancy. Frank Whaley is a jewel. Kate Winslet, no, Blachett, no, Beckinsdale was not undead. Ethan Embry was Dutch and Luke Wilson found a new emotion. That makes three : Annoyed (with Owen?) Scheming and now Really Afraid. But seriously, it was a well executed Psyco-suspense-thiller worthy of a que. Have to go checkthe porch for bugs and vermin

Keep smiling.

Initializing Rant

The thing is that I have so little intelectual stimulation at work that I find myself overcome with intense feelings on new excel techniques and NPR stories.

It is hard not to blame the baby boomers for everything that upsets me.

The world might be a calmer place if lawyers were tipped sort of like waiters. "You helped me out of that speeding ticket, here's a fiver. You told me to go with the adjustable rate mortgage, here are some pennies. You told me to publish a book about if I did what?"

Why don't they have "Hot Dog Helper" or "Sausage Helper" or even "Patty Melt Helper?"

Got to go watch a cheap comedy and dream of bumpy cake.